I was raised in a gender role anomaly of a household where my father worked a full-time job and did the majority of the housework. Growing up, I believed that it was normal for a man to be the sole financial provider and yet cook dinner, do the laundry, and sweep. That wasn't to say that my mother did nothing with her time, she went grocery shopping, upheld kin networks, clipped coupons, and well... raised me. While many people may find the relationship my parents had to be a blessing for a child to grow up with, indeed it was a curse.
When I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband), I had absolutely no first hand concept that somehow I was magically supposed to gravitate towards maintaining the house. To the contrary, when I was growing up my parents wouldn't allow me to wash the dishes (they were afraid I'd break them), I had no idea how to do a load of laundry, and my father forbade me from mowing the lawn (apparently from a fear that I would somehow end up mowing myself). The very idea that I was supposed to be the one who cleaned simply because I had a vagina, was enough to set my headstrong self into rebellion mode.
The result was our house was a MESS! I refused to do any more cleaning than my boyfriend did, and it was a standoff that lasted for years. Dishes were constantly piled in the sink and on the counters. Pathways were made through the mountains of clothes that littered the floor of the bedroom. Friends and (his) family protested, but their disgust was always aimed toward me which just made me more indignant. Eventually, I conceded. Not because I felt that it was somehow my inherent duty, but because I could no longer live in squalor.
Fortunately, my husband conceded somewhat as well, and has followed from my cleaning example. However, the environment in which I was raised causes me to become frustrated easily with the domestic activities I complete daily. I think that the disregard for gender stereotypes involving housework in which I was exposed to as a child could indeed become a blessing but only if it was experienced by every child.
3 comments:
Yikes! That sure sounded like it was a tough thing for both you and your boyfriend (now husband so congratulations to you...I'm probably late on that...). I remember growing up my parents wanted me to help, but I was lazy and never really helped until I started to mow the lawn, and here and there I would help out. But I can say that my parents shared the cleaning with my mother, although my mother has a tendency to clean whenever she feels that something is dirty. I am now becoming more and more involved in the cleaning world, and that helps because I will eventually be living by myself, so I have to start learning eventually. I believe that cleaning and household chores should be shared with the family, but mainly I believe in white, middle class families, that the children don't do much of the cleaning and it is left to the mother, father, or both.
Thanks for the congratulations, and you're only a little late - 7 1/2 years:)
My husband and I had similar chore negotiation issues at the beginning of our relationship too. Now 10 years in, we often look back and laugh at what a disaster our house always was. The path to a clean house and gender egalitarian roles is definitely not always easy! :)
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